iPhone 5 'most hated thing since dawn of civilisation'

Apple's flagship smartphone now considered worse than tax, wasps and people who talk in the cinema

Social media analysis shows that the iPhone 5 is now more hated than any other thing in the world. Warning: may contain feeble humour.

The Apple iPhone 5 is so universally loathed that it is now officially more hated than all other objects, creatures and abstract concepts. As reported by the Daily Mail, the iPhone 5 has now passed the previous title holder, wasps, and stands alone as the worst thing known to humanity.

Stephen Bullmer, an iPhone 5 owner from Washington state in the US, said that scuff marks appearing on his device shortly after purchase were the last straw.

"I previously would have named the Irish potato famine of the 19th century as my most hated historical event," Bullmer said, "but that's now been overtaken by Scuffgate. Yes, that is what it was called by anyone other than journalists."

We Are Social, a social media analytics firm with no thought of winning easy publicity with a controversial press release, analysed user comments online, following the launch of the iPhone 5, Samsung Galaxy S4, BlackBerry Z10 and Nokia Lumia 920. The firm found to its astonishment that posts related to Apple's device had the highest proportion of negative comments.

The Daily Mail then took these findings and quite reasonably extrapolated them into a totally justified story about the satisfaction levels of iPhone 5 owners.

At least it's not an iPhone. By Roman Kasner, licensed under Creative Commons Licence

iPhone 5: urgh

"Some might say that Apple is well known for polarising opinion," said a source at the paper, "and that the vocal criticism of naysayers doesn't seem to have stopped the iPhone 5 (or every previous model of iPhone, each receiving its fair share of negativity at launch time) from selling in Biblical quantities. Also that iPhone users are statistically far more loyal than Android users, strongly suggesting that they are perfectly well satisfied with their handsets, thanks very much.

"Furthermore they might add that the 'number of launch day conversations', in which the iPhone 5's figures were almost six times as high as its nearest rival, say far more about Apple's success than the parts of the research that we chose to focus on.

"But here at the Mail we either don't understand how the internet works or are willing to pretend we don't in order to pick up obscene amounts of traffic with another anti-Apple story."

Please note that none of the preceding facts and opinions are true.

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