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Divorce looms for Hollywood's dull and duller

Divorce looms for Hollywood's dull and duller

It's the biggest story in the channel: Tom and Nicole are no more. And Tabloid has the scoop, as always.

Now all the other tabloid press journalists (ie the real ones, the ones that get paid, the ones that think the channel is some new form of Pay TV), have been reporting various reasons for the divorce. ARN Tabloid would like to state for the record that, as old chums of the two superstars, we can guarantee the following reasons for the split are not correct:

1) Tom could not pitch a tent

2) Tom had difficulty looking north

3) Tom refused to raise the family flag

4) Tom was never firm enough about family issues5) Tom could only perform well on cameraThis type of slander is below even the lowest of Tabloid's standards which, as regular readers are aware, are as far south as the ass-end of the Antarctica. We would like to set the record straight.

Tom and Nicole split because the two were planning a new Internet venture. After the steamy success of their performance in Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut, Tom and Nicole were planning a pay-per-view erotic Web site. Nicole recently won a court case to remove cybersquatters from the www.nicolekidmannude.com site, and the two were looking for infrastructure and services to get the new venture up and running.

But while the two have never actually argued about anything, procuring these goods and services turned ugly. Tom consulted the church of scientology, who hit him for $US300, then gave him the advice "Go Direct, my son". After such advice, Tom called Dell without even consulting his wife. This upset Nicole no end.

The following is a recording of a phone conversation between the pair, believed to be their last.

Nic: "Hello?

Tom: "Nic, its Tom."

Nic: "I just got your e-mail. I'm not impressed. What were you thinking?"

Tom: "We can customise it over the Web babe"Nic: "We can customise it anywhere Tom. What about service? What about value? What if there's a problem? We need to get guys on the ground on this."

Tom: "Have you been reading ARN again? How many times have I told you - cut out the middleman Nic! I can't believe you believe that propaganda. It's the most appalling, gutless, sloppy and inaccurate journalism I have ever witnessed."

Nic: "No Tom. ARN is exactly what you're not. It is intelligent and trustworthy and always comes on time."

Tom: "WHAT? Just what are you suggesting?"

Nic: "I'm just saying you should have consulted me. You know how strongly I feel about the whole direct versus channel dilemma."

Tom: "Can we compromise? Go with say, Gateway?"

EXTENDED SILENCE

Nic: "It's over Tom. Goodbye."


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