Free beer epidemic hits channel

Free beer epidemic hits channel

If 'tis the season to be jolly, then there are far more sinister forces at work, according to some journalists recovering under their desks after a rash of Christmas parties hit the channel.

While there is no hard physical evidence implicating vendors in a plot to impede the flow of information from media outlets across the country, circumstantial hearsay is enough to convict anyone in the court of public opinion.

Behind the conspiracy are a number of vendors "rewarding" customers, staff, business partners and news media for a "great year" with exuberant Christmas parties. How chronic product shortages, pitiful margins and a slow market constitute a great year is questionable, yet a number of vendors have hosted parties and many claim to have induced feelings of acceptance and even good will between news media and their vendor foes.

The Christmas season is a dangerous time for many people attempting to overindulge on warm beer, bad food and the closest intern. But some experts argue journalists face up to six times the risk of Xmasitis - with many attending functions on a daily basis.

"If there's anything IT journalists love more than long lunches and chachkas [Yiddish word for cheap trinkets] its Christmas parties, and this year has been no exception," said one journalist who did not wish to be named as a glutton.

"I go to all of them, but I'm not addicted. I could stop if I wanted. Just after the [company name removed for legal reasons] party. I have to go to this one. Everyone will be there . . . just one more," pleaded the journalist.

Alcohol attacks the liver, the brain and can lead to heart problems later in life, a report into excessive alcohol consumption has found, a finding disregarded by most vendors concerning the lack of any of the aforementioned organs discovered in deceased journalists.

What is more alarming, however, is that when mixed with small doses of cheese, pickled onions, salmon, processed meats and pastry bases commonly found in many hors d'oeuvres, experts claim alcohol can lead to spells of unsteadiness, blurred vision, inability to speak clearly and an unnatural predilection for the more unsavoury of the opposite sex.

Meanwhile vendors have blamed "December Fever" rather than their parties and their constant supply of free alcohol - a claim some people have allegedly reacted violently to, expelling diced carrot like debris.

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