l When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a tonne of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
l Don't write anything down - ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
l When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
l When you call the helpdesk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
l When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
l When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
l Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
l When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
l When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
l When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
l When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
l When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
l Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
l Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
Competition (PICTURE CAPTION)
The above photographs are mug shots of:
1) A former Different Strokes cast member on a good day2) A runaway footballer contemplating a career in boxing3) A steroid-taking Olympic weightlifter4) A certain e-mail fiend professing to be in LOVE with everyone5) A monopolistic, predatory monster who has been relegated to second place on the list of IT geeks who can buy several medium-sized African countries6) A certain Prime Minister's son after trying to drive home a little tipsy7) A schoolboy cricketer held for throwing his wicket away8) The father of three Bardot love children after refusing to pay maintenance9) A future software tycoon nabbed for speeding10) An upset fan of Don Burke, shortly after abusing Lisa McCune over her 42nd Gold Logie win.
Send your entries into firstname.lastname@example.org for your chance to win an all expenses-paid trip to London for afternoon tea with the Queen Mum (to help her celebrate the big one, oh, oh, of course!).