After several quarters of negative growth, pink slips and general doom and gloom in the IT community, a new report by Obvious Analyst firm no. 127 has confirmed the market has finally hit rock-bottom, much to the relief of the investment community.
"Phew!" said Jeremy Jeremiah, as he flicked through the latest copy of Investor Daily. "It's about time."
The feeling that things couldn't get any worse than they already are has given many IT identities a newfound sense of optimism. That is, despite their debts and the shattered relationships their stress caused among friends and families along the way. "Ah well, the only way is up from here!" said Jamie Jamieson, from inside his prison cell.
Peter Peterson, once the CEO of an empire worth several billions of dollars, was one of those unfortunate IT identities who burnt away all of his cash and assets on sports cars, mansions, prostitutes and various illicit substances. After barely surviving on stock options which he sold off seconds prior to the demise of his company, Peterson is now looking to get back into the dot-com world.
"First things first," he said. "I'm not going to go crazy with the Lamborginis again. I'll just start with a Porsche, maybe a Merc. You see, I've learnt my lesson."
Peterson will also remain in his penthouse apartment with harbour views, rather than attempting to buy back his 100-room country estate with nine-hole golf course. "I've wised up," he said. "And I've realised heroin is a lot of money for not much buzz. There's plenty of chemicals out there that you can pick up for a few hundred bucks, and I don't think I'll be needing to compete with any of my friends. Most of them went bust too."
Peterson has also improved his social life. "It's funny, but it was only when we really hit rock-bottom that we realised certain things," he said. "Like, why did I ever pay for sex? I may be a little overweight, but I'm totally dot-com! The chicks dig that."
* The names included in this article are entirely fictional.