In what has become an annual tradition, I recently staged a one-man "sick out" from my day job to visit the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas. And I'd like to correct a few wild rumours before they get out of hand.
First, I did not walk off with the sashimi platter at the Verizon Communications party at Nobu, nor did I challenge Jackie Chan to a Drunken Fist death-match at the XaviX press conference.
I was certainly not in Vegas to attend the Adult Entertainment Expo at the Sands. Nor was that me in a fake moustache and wig, tailing Jenna Jameson around the Venetian.
In fact, when I wasn't sniffing around CES for hot gossip, I was in my hotel room, sipping warm milk and watching Davey and Goliath cartoons.
Rusty Gates: As usual Bill Gates' keynote kicked off the show. This year his demo crashed only twice, which for Microsoft qualifies as "seamless computing". The real shocker came when Chairman Bill declared he'd decided to quit the software business, renounce his wealth, and spend the rest of his days walking the Earth, like Caine in Kung Fu.
Then again, I spent most of the speech watching Pulp Fiction on my portable media player, so I may be confusing him with Sam Jackson.
Fatal attraction: There's so much going on at CES that it's hard to get anyone's attention, but I'm not convinced it was such a hot idea to name a product "Fatal1ty" and then hold a daily "shootout".
Yes, Abit makes video cards and motherboards named for gamer Johnathan "Fatal1ty" Wendel. But I wouldn't go anywhere near that event without bullet-proof boxers.
R U Sirius? Among other attractions, Sirius Satellite Radio hosted an autograph session with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
I know the first thing I think of when I hear "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders" is how good they sound on the radio. Unfortunately, this event led to a small misunderstanding - I thought we were supposed to be autographing them. My mistake. But the convention centre security guards were very polite and even offered to escort me to the airport.